Winter

Getting out in all that absolute of white world
Is like floss for the soul –
All the gunk in head and heart and gut gets flushed
From the crunching and slushing in all that
White absolution – spirit winter’s dominance and yet
Amidst all that muteness and cover
Life springing, sunshine, a million miles
Of blueity up above, life –

Prose Scrap

There were two bartenders working at the lodge back then. One of them was skinny and cute and the other one was full the way women get when they’re no longer girls and their torsos fill in below their breasts. I’m not even sure if it’s fat – sometimes I just think that girls in our culture don’t reach full physical maturity until their 30s or 40s. Probably something to do with all the hormones in the milk..

Brady was after one of em. You can guess which one. I didn’t give a shit, I knew I didn’t have a chance with the cutie and I sure didn’t want the fattie. Yeah, it was cold that night, and she had that look in her eye that said Yeah baby, I’ve done that before. But still. I’d just gotten through a lot of crap and I really didn’t need any more of that kind of misery.

Poetry Scrap

Old car /
New car

Clutch-play, stomping and kicking and shoving your way to speed /
Automatic takes care of shifting, just mash gas and go

85 feels like 85 miles per hour, the engine wailing full bore, the chassis shaking a bit /
85 is cruising speed, easy reach of the your top gear, a tap at that gas

Maintenance is a constant, inducing stops for oil-up, brake fluid, checks /
The engine stays the unseen dynamo under that hood

Cuesta Grade is a challenge, a haul, downshifting, switching to slow lane /
Did we go over the grade? 85, 90, swerving between pylonmobiles, geographically ignorant

Comforts are failing, falling apart, lovable eccentricities forming in worn plastic and metal /
Perfection is expected, when it fails I’m wailing

Sore, Raw, in the stream /
Comfortable, sequestered, removed, dry.

Wanna be not just go

Poetry Scrap

The waitress is going to write fiction about me
I made her blush by asking about the vino
Tempranillo, I wanted a good one
And asking about the specials and
Asking if this was her first night
“No, but I am a new waitress…” she said, another time said
“I don’t know if I’m going to do this for long.”

she’s terrible at waitergirl skills
like paying attention to tables
but I can tell as she wipes my mess
some things came from mommy

“Don’t give up on waiting tables…” I told her leaving
Though meaning Let me take you home and lap at your
clit
until the abuse of the day (some of which I
gave) fades away

left her a 20 dollar tip
after she told me she was an English major
little Korean girl waiting tables
at a Spanish restaurant in San Diego
eyeing me out of cowed eyes
working her little butt off
while the bosslady fumes in the corner

trying to find a little bit of pride, poor girl said
“Come back and see us again soon…”
Like it was the Outback freaking steak house
Like she had a pride in the place
An investment
Like inward and inside and to confidant
she gives a shit for bitch bosses
and lecherous boys
Except as objects for her vengeful
Short stories, collecting –

Happiness

What is happy? Is happy when you get what you want? If so, can you be happy if you already have everything you want?

[—-Here———————Want—-] = High Potential for Happy
[——————————–Here—-] = Now what?

Or is happy thinking about what is happy?

Or is it the freedom to think about what is happy?

Is there a difference between what I do and what I could do and must the latter always exceed the former in order to be happy?

If you’re happy, can you be happier? IOW, is happiness a scalar or is happy a binary (happy / unhappy) or a trinary (happy / neutral / unhappy)?

If I interrupt my happiness essay to go get my wifi card so I can check weather.com for whether it’s going to rain today, am I happy because a change of scene may give me a new perspective on the subject or did I get up because I was unhappy with the essay?

If I’ll be happy if it’ll be clear because then I can walk without getting wet and I’ll be happy if it rains because rain is good thinking and drinking weather – IOW I’ll be happy (albeit in different ways) with either outcome, why do I check weather.com anyway? Is it because I’m happier knowing what we know about the future weather?

On my birthday last year I wrote that the more layers we have available to zoom into, the happier we are. What I meant by that was a validation of my intellectual firepower. But is this the case? I know the more intelligent man isn’t necessarily happier than the less intelligent man, but does he have a greater potential for happiness?

Can an animal be happy?

Are animals, say squirrels in a park, happy? According to my theory above, the dumbest man has greater potential for happiness than the most intelligent squirrel. Or… what if the happiness-potential is based on intelligence relative to the rest of your species and/or social group?

Poetry Scrap

Day Three

Left to his devices,
warrior gave in to indulgences
An orgy of chatterbuggy
noisy little voices in his head
As the world turned cerebral, his body
Softened, slacked, wrinkled
As his fingers probed his brain,
Stroking the brain and
Stroking the brain,
Stroking away at his brain
Until his cerebellum was a mess of chancres –

Then warrior fell asleep
Sitting up, in his clothes
Blood and puss drizzling
From his festering cerebellum

Hidden unpredicatable growth

I want to know
As the population has exploded
Have eccentricities grown or compacted?
Is the shape of behavior over time
A cone, widening as offshoots pursue mad pleasures of the mind?
Is it roughly cynderical
Or is it an inverted cone, the mallet of media smashing behavior into uniformities?

When we were five or ten or fifty we knew each other
In the village, mores are known and all actions
Happen in the naked street, sooner
If not later

I walk through our city of a million
Condo scrapers and dog dish stadiums
Apartment towers and suburban sprawl
And wonder while I wander
What are all of you up to?
What are you thinking in there
What are you committing
Where are your pleasures
What are you fantasizing and what
Are you masturbating to?